As of January 2, 2007:
Due to the wave-particle duality of matter, scientists have figured out how to compress light into a liquid matter. This is most interesting because we can now possess the essence of the universe in a bottle. Scientists in St. John's Newfoundland have placed apparatus inside of Catholic Churches, down St. Anne's Well of Wishes, and in graveyards and captured the physical mass of the light refracting off spiritual masses. The light is then compressed and turned into a liquid which they then put in a bottle. It is possible, they say, that the information of God is in these liquid and that to possess it will likely benefit your health, morality, spirit and ability to love your fellow man. For more information, e-mail email@example.com at the Newspaper of Trinity and Conception Bays.