Friday, January 5, 2007

Declaw You Cat Without Hurting Her

Have you ever wrestled with the ethics of declawing your cat? Well, now that your furniture is destroyed, there is poop in your neighbour's garden and all the birds in your neighbourhood are dead, you've made up your mind.

It is a proven fact that cats who are declawed lead healthier, happier lives because their hormonal levels decrease. In addition, a cat that is declawed lives an average of 3 years longer than a cat that still has the claws. Why? Well, science shows that cats who are unable to defend themselves are less likely to get into a dangerous situation, eat unhealthy food, or get stuck in trees.

Here is a technique for declawing your cat by yourself. No Pain, no blood, no vet bills, Happy Times!

You will need the following
1. A dull butter knife
2. A candle
3. Aceteminiphen tablets
4. A glass of water
5. One ounce of whiskey
6. A feather
7. A pair of pliers
8. A sharp pin
9. A Tensor Bandage
10. Sand

First, feed your kitty the whiskey. One ounce won't hurt her, but it will calm her down. Light the candle and drip wax over the paws of your cat - do them all at once so your cat will be used to it. It will not hurt your cat, the fur protects her paws from the heat. Take the paw that you want to declaw first. Wrap the tensor bandage tight around the upper forearm, stopping blood flow. Take the butter knife and sharply hit the first claw with the blade. Then insert the pin into the quick of the claw - this will disrupt any nerve flow to the claw. Distract your kitty with the feather, grip the claw with the pliers and pull. The cat will feel no pain. Then create a paste made out of fine sand, aspirin tablets, and water. Dip your cats paw into the mixture and Voila! Repeat all steps for each claw.



Ben said...

Given your propensity for being wrong so far, this seems like the worst advice ever. I'd pray to God that no one from PETA ever finds this site.

Kristin DeJournett said...

Well, PETA did find the site. My name is Kristin DeJournett and I am a cruelty caseworker in PETA's Domestic Animal and Wildlife Rescue & Information Department. I sincerely hope this blog is a joke. If not, please know that the behavior you describe is illegal in the United States, the UK, and many other countries. In most states you will face jail time, fines, and community service upon conviction for such crimes, and the court can also ban you from ever again being in contact with animals.
Legal issues aside, please also know that declawing cats is not only cruel but unnecessary. You can prevent a cat from clawing furniture by trimming the nail hook (the very tip) of the claw, by providing scratching posts, and by using double-sided tape to discourage the cat from clawing the furniture. For more info on declawing alternatives, please visit
As for keeping your cat out of dangerous situations and neighbor's yards, why don't you just keep her inside?
I can be reached at if you wish to verify my identity or discuss this further.

Vlad said...

Hmmm. How about I just do what I like and ignore insane people? Yeah. That sounds like a good plan. Thanks for coming out...

Unknown said...

This person is a waste of human life. This is ALL UNTRUE INFORMATION! Declawing a cat can lead to several physical and behavioral problems. This is extremely painful for cats and is like taking a person's fingers down to the first knuckle. If this is a joke you ARE NOT FUNNY, and karma will find you or someone you love and bite hard. Please take this done!